Operation Aspquiescence

Recently I’ve begun to put more energy toward seeking out more information on what having Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism means to people. What qualities I may have that spring from that wiring and what qualities I may share with other people with similar wiring.

When I found out I was likely an Aspie I had a few reactions going on. Some of me didn’t care much because I’m me and I like being me so it wasn’t a big deal. Some of me was rocked by something now so obvious that I had missed for so long and just a bit haunted by old memories of times now seen with a deeper sense of what was going on. Part of me was really relieved and excited to find that I was not crazy, that to my mind and body the sun was indeed too bright, the sounds of the world too loud and oh so many things that I can not explain.

Then there was the part of me that was disappointed. I wasn’t disappointed I had Asperger’s syndrome or disappointed to be any part of me. I was oddly disappointed to find that I was not nearly as unique as I had prided myself on being. Of course, I’m one of a kind…and one of a kind of a rather rare breed in some sense, but now my oddities are due to my wiring and there are others so very much like me! It is both a relief and a disappointment to find that I was destined in some ways to be who and how I am.

The way that I’ve come up with to describe my disappointment is with an analogy of a tool box. Imagine you are in a class and you are all given a tool box, you assume everyone is given the same set of tools and are extremely proud that what you created with those tools is very different from the rest of the class. Then you find out that actually you were given very different tools. So of course I would build something very different. I am no longer unique because I chose it, but rather because it chose me.

It took me a bit of time to deal with this realization but eventually I realized that at the same time that I feel less amazing for having built my unique parts with my unique tools I also must be grateful for the everyday things I built with my mismatched set of tools. The amazing parts of me seem somehow less amazing, while the everyday things about me that I have struggled with so much and beaten myself up over being bad at now seem more amazing.

I realize I also have to deal with the idea that I am less able to do some things than most other people. I really don’t like that idea. I was less bothered by the concept when I simply saw myself as very good at the things I’m good at and very bad at the things I suck at. The idea that I might have something approaching a disability is something I have to examine more and come to terms with.

I’m still adjusting to this new view of myself as less amazing in the parts of me I enjoy and less of a loser in the parts of me that I’ve always struggled with. I even have moments of being rather impressed with how much of those day to day things I’ve managed to do competently through a struggle I did not truly realize I was fighting.

I have decided to keep track of the moments when I suddenly realize what I am doing or feeling is possibly connected with the Aspieness of me. People talk about having “senior moments” I have “aspie moments.” The other night, I was standing in a room with people I had just met and suddenly had no idea what on earth to do with my arms. I didn’t even know I had arms before I walked into that room and now suddenly they seem to be in desperate need of being handled in some correct way that escapes me. Then my brain laughed and pointed out how Aspie that was.

I decided to begin to keep track of those moments all in one place. I wanted to make it very easy for me to do so that I would consistently do it. So I started a twitter and downloaded an application for my phone so that I can at a moment’s notice type in something I noticed myself doing, thinking or feeling that I think may be connected to my Aspie wiring. I am keeping track to help me pay attention and I’m keeping track so that I can compare notes with other people on the spectrum and see if they experience those things as well.

So far in the experiment I’m having Aspie moment’s far more often than I had thought I would and finding that the more I speak with other Aspies the more obvious it is that I am one.

The twitter that I created shows the latest update at the top of this blog theme, hopefully I will find a way to make this theme which I enjoy very much in every other way not be an issue for people with visual sensory issues…like me(o: The Twitter is also here.

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